Love and Money

 

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I’m a hopeless romantic.

Have I ever told you that?

 

My favorite tale is where the guy and the girl are best friends.

And they tumble into romance. Accidentally.

 

As if I’m surprised.

 

DUH.

They end up together.

 

Since the month of July took its cue from June, I’ve been wrestling with the fear that there’s not enough for me. Ever.

 

When it comes to good men to date.

And all the good ones are taken.

 

When it comes to food on the table.

And all the best is already eaten.

 

As long as I’ve remembered, I’ve always feared there will never be enough of anything for me.

 

And, if it’s a necessity, I trust it’ll run out just in time for me to be in need.

 

Funny, isn’t it?

 

I live in America.

UH-MUR-UH-KUH.

Homeland of the too-much.

 

Come on, Ash.

Wake up and smell the expensive hipster coffee.

There’s enough for you, doll.

 

This wrestling of mine has included the purge of the soul.

You know, that part where I evaluate my life and wonder where this notion of not-enough got planted along the way.

 

Honestly, I feel like an orphan—scrappin’ and scrapin’ for mine.

Mind you.

Both of my biological parents are alive and well.

We’re in relationship.

Heck, they still send me money to help out.

–I’m no Oliver Twist.

 

But, I sure am acting like one.

All. Day.

 

Working the system to make sure I have enough.

Work.

Work harder.

Make enough to find enough.

 

Strange thing.

I’m currently in a season of fundraising.

You know, the kind where I have to raise thousands of dollars for my organization in order to keep my job come October.

And, I’m coming up short.

 

And, in the midst of being in a deep place of need, I’m feelin’ generous.

I kind of want to blow my bank account.

 

Not on shoes.

Or on a better car.

 

But, on the people around me.

 

I want to give.

 

I want to bless til people get tired of blessings.

And, then I want to give more.

 

Odd.

Getting generous in a season of need.

When I should be scrappin’ and scrapin’ like a pro.

 

And, yet.

I want to be foolish. And generous.

 

I’m confident some people would call me stupid.

Heck, I don’t budget well anyways.

I probably am pretty terrible with money.

 

But, why not?

Why not be generous when I am in need?

Why not help out when I need to be helped out?

 

It sounds backwards.

But, that good gospel is every sorts of backwards.

And, I’m not any good at being forwards, as is.

 

So, that’s what I’m choosing.

 

To be in need.

And to give.

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8 thoughts on “Love and Money

  1. sethbarnes says:

    There’s orphan thinking in all of us. Thanks for sharing yours – it lets me know I’m not alone!

  2. alysseay says:

    I agree with Seth completely. Thanks for being real and such a great traveling companion!

  3. German says:

    Here are my baking numbers –
    08577665528202111 incase you feel like expanding that generosity nationally 😜
    Just playing! Thanks for being honest and vulnerable. It’s refreshing when people open up about their struggles.

  4. JJ says:

    Be foolishly generous, yes, the rewards will be great…. whether or not they are recipricol monetary rewards…. The world doesn’t understand this. Add more to your heavenly account!
    Love this post. I can hear your voice.
    You’re awesome Ashley!!

  5. Matt says:

    The words ring true. I understand.

  6. Bill Swan says:

    It’s such a joy watching you step into your life. You are able to be generous because you TRUST that at the end of the day, somebody will take care of you. That’s huge. Proud of you kid!

  7. […] Mueller wrote a blog about how she feels […]

  8. […] Mueller wrote a blog about how she feels […]

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