Disappointment

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This week, I asked the Lord if he could pay for my flight to Thailand.

 

I asked him for $900.

 

I asked him because I wanted to go.

Because I didn’t have the money.

Because I like Thailand.

And because I love some people who are there.

 

When I ask the Lord for something, I try to only ask for things I need.

You know.

Money to pay bills.

Wisdom for situations I’m lost in.

Hope when I see death.

 

I rarely ask for things I want.

 

Because, need is different.

It’s banking that if God doesn’t show up, I’m screwed in some tangible ways.

And, then my big God will have to do big things.

And, nothing’s impossible for him.

 

Want is different.

 

Want is based in the knowledge if I don’t receive what I’m asking for,

I’ll still be okay.

 

I’ll simply be left with the sadness I really l could have done without what I wanted.

 

And, that seems to hurt me more.

Because disappointment is, simply, painful.

 

Frankly, I’ve always considered disappointment an activity for people who were too weak to get what they wanted.

 

I learned at a young age to not get my hopes up.

To ask Santa for only mid-range gifts.

 

Because, let’s face it, something would happen.

And, big gifts are the most unreasonable kinds of gifts.

The easiest to not make space for.

 

If I really wanted something, I learned to keep it quiet.

And hope someone would miraculously read my mind and get it for me.

 

 

Dream.

But, we must be reasonable to our circumstances.

 

For me, to dream is to be disappointed.

To be disappointed is to be in pain.

 

Yet, to not dream is disappointing.

And, it just feels wrong.

Anti-human, almost.

 

In the movie, He’s Just Not That Into You, the main character gets caught up in a disappointing situation. She puts her heart (and lips) on the line and gets rejected from the guy she thinks is in love with her.

As she stumbles away from the situation, she makes this remark to the man who rejects her:

“You may not get hurt…but you have not won. You’re alone. I may do a lot of stupid things, but I’m still a lot closer to love than you are.”

 

That’s the trouble with avoiding disappointment.

We live as fully as our dreams are authentic.

 

And, when I dream halfway, I experience life halfway.

 

This week, I realized I wanted to go to Thailand.

And, this week, I also realized, I can’t go.

 

Now, I’m disappointed.

 

I feel foolish for dreaming.

And for asking the Lord for $900.

 

I also feel pain.

 

Want is excessive.

It’s inefficient.

And, not necessary.

 

Wanting will get my hopes up.

 

But, I’m learning I want my hopes to get as big as my dreams.

Otherwise, I’m living a mid-range life.

 

And, let’s face it, no one really wants that.

 

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