Tag Archives: enough

Love and Money

 

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I’m a hopeless romantic.

Have I ever told you that?

 

My favorite tale is where the guy and the girl are best friends.

And they tumble into romance. Accidentally.

 

As if I’m surprised.

 

DUH.

They end up together.

 

Since the month of July took its cue from June, I’ve been wrestling with the fear that there’s not enough for me. Ever.

 

When it comes to good men to date.

And all the good ones are taken.

 

When it comes to food on the table.

And all the best is already eaten.

 

As long as I’ve remembered, I’ve always feared there will never be enough of anything for me.

 

And, if it’s a necessity, I trust it’ll run out just in time for me to be in need.

 

Funny, isn’t it?

 

I live in America.

UH-MUR-UH-KUH.

Homeland of the too-much.

 

Come on, Ash.

Wake up and smell the expensive hipster coffee.

There’s enough for you, doll.

 

This wrestling of mine has included the purge of the soul.

You know, that part where I evaluate my life and wonder where this notion of not-enough got planted along the way.

 

Honestly, I feel like an orphan—scrappin’ and scrapin’ for mine.

Mind you.

Both of my biological parents are alive and well.

We’re in relationship.

Heck, they still send me money to help out.

–I’m no Oliver Twist.

 

But, I sure am acting like one.

All. Day.

 

Working the system to make sure I have enough.

Work.

Work harder.

Make enough to find enough.

 

Strange thing.

I’m currently in a season of fundraising.

You know, the kind where I have to raise thousands of dollars for my organization in order to keep my job come October.

And, I’m coming up short.

 

And, in the midst of being in a deep place of need, I’m feelin’ generous.

I kind of want to blow my bank account.

 

Not on shoes.

Or on a better car.

 

But, on the people around me.

 

I want to give.

 

I want to bless til people get tired of blessings.

And, then I want to give more.

 

Odd.

Getting generous in a season of need.

When I should be scrappin’ and scrapin’ like a pro.

 

And, yet.

I want to be foolish. And generous.

 

I’m confident some people would call me stupid.

Heck, I don’t budget well anyways.

I probably am pretty terrible with money.

 

But, why not?

Why not be generous when I am in need?

Why not help out when I need to be helped out?

 

It sounds backwards.

But, that good gospel is every sorts of backwards.

And, I’m not any good at being forwards, as is.

 

So, that’s what I’m choosing.

 

To be in need.

And to give.

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But, hey, she found Jesus

Part of my job requires me to interact with people and their stories. Some of the time, people’s stories aren’t that hard to understand—they had a great childhood, made pretty good decisions (a few bad ones, too) and then they found a job close to the passion of their hearts.

 

But, some of the time, people’s stories are as wretched as the stuff on Law & Order. Sometimes, their lives are horror stories that are just now being redeemed.

 

At some point in these people’s stories, they find Jesus.

 

And I think, “But, hey, she found Jesus. He’s enough.” 

 

Because, after all, life is unfair. And Jesus is all we need. Jesus said troubles would come. But, hey, He overcame the world.

 

The more I walk away from people’s stories, the less I’m starting to believe that Jesus is all we need: the aftermath of people’s stories don’t prove to me that life is better when Jesus is around.

 

People get raped. Tragedy hits. And then it hits again and again. Believers get addicted to drugs. Or religion. They desert the church. They murder their families with their words and with their actions.

 

Life isn’t just unfair. It’s relentless. But, just for some. Even after they’ve found Jesus.

 

For the rest of us, we wander through department stores, holiday events and the workplace like none of it happened to us—that we were the ones that got out before the tragedy, the raping and the pillaging.

 

But, the reality is, some of us didn’t get out. And, we wander around like we did. We don’t wear the horror on our sleeve…because, hey, we have Jesus.

 

I’m in a season—it’s a season of wondering if Jesus really is enough. Jesus has always been more than enough for me. But, the more I hear about the horror of people’s stories, the more I wonder if He’s enough for them.

 

Does He really mean that He is enough for little girls who are molested for decades by every man they have ever known? Is He enough for the little boys who grow up being so verbally and emotionally neglected that they beat their families to deal with their own anger?

 

Tell me Jesus is enough. But, then prove it to me. Because, right now, from where I sit, I just don’t know. I don’t know if the church is enough. I don’t know if Jesus is enough.

 

I don’t need a sermon how Jesus is the Life, the Light and the Love. I don’t need another lesson on how He says He will fight for justice.

 

Because what I see is horror. And I need something a little stronger than words to make the stories worth it.

 

Jesus is enough for me. But, is He really enough for them?

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