I’m a hopeless romantic.
Have I ever told you that?
My favorite tale is where the guy and the girl are best friends.
And they tumble into romance. Accidentally.
As if I’m surprised.
They end up together.
Since the month of July took its cue from June, I’ve been wrestling with the fear that there’s not enough for me. Ever.
When it comes to good men to date.
And all the good ones are taken.
When it comes to food on the table.
And all the best is already eaten.
As long as I’ve remembered, I’ve always feared there will never be enough of anything for me.
And, if it’s a necessity, I trust it’ll run out just in time for me to be in need.
Funny, isn’t it?
I live in America.
Homeland of the too-much.
Come on, Ash.
Wake up and smell the expensive hipster coffee.
There’s enough for you, doll.
This wrestling of mine has included the purge of the soul.
You know, that part where I evaluate my life and wonder where this notion of not-enough got planted along the way.
Honestly, I feel like an orphan—scrappin’ and scrapin’ for mine.
Both of my biological parents are alive and well.
We’re in relationship.
Heck, they still send me money to help out.
–I’m no Oliver Twist.
But, I sure am acting like one.
Working the system to make sure I have enough.
Make enough to find enough.
I’m currently in a season of fundraising.
You know, the kind where I have to raise thousands of dollars for my organization in order to keep my job come October.
And, I’m coming up short.
And, in the midst of being in a deep place of need, I’m feelin’ generous.
I kind of want to blow my bank account.
Not on shoes.
Or on a better car.
But, on the people around me.
I want to give.
I want to bless til people get tired of blessings.
And, then I want to give more.
Getting generous in a season of need.
When I should be scrappin’ and scrapin’ like a pro.
I want to be foolish. And generous.
I’m confident some people would call me stupid.
Heck, I don’t budget well anyways.
I probably am pretty terrible with money.
But, why not?
Why not be generous when I am in need?
Why not help out when I need to be helped out?
It sounds backwards.
But, that good gospel is every sorts of backwards.
And, I’m not any good at being forwards, as is.
So, that’s what I’m choosing.
To be in need.
And to give.